Predictions for Tonight

Hillary Clinton will beat Barack Obama by 5-10 points. Whereas a few weeks ago, such a small margin would have been considered an astonishing upset for Obama, during a rally today, Barack Obama will cough loudly. The media will jump on this, Hillary Clinton will jump on this and John McCain’s grinning face will appear on camera five minutes later to repeat what Clinton just said verbatim. Obama’s objectively pro-disease (not entirely untrue)! Hillary Clinton waxes nostalgic about nights out on the porch in Scranton drinking Nyquil with her grandfather and watching the big football game. Then she’ll do like fifteen shots just to prove she can take it.

It turns out, not a single real human being will actually give a shit, and Obama will still be beaten by 5-10 points. But now it will be considered a major victory for Hillary Clinton because of Obama’s horrible gaffe, now known as coughgate.

Meanwhile, nobody will notice the continuing revelations about John McCain’s ethical problems. McCain, puzzled by this, will hold a press conference in which he declares his intention to invade Vermont, just to see if he can get away with it. The conference will go completely uncovered.

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