Archive for June, 2008

Swift-boatery
June 30, 2008

Remember those wacky Swift Boat Vets for truth? The people in the media who failed to properly fact-check their claims sure do! And that’s why they’re applying a related neologism to Wesley Clark’s shockingly inoffensive jab at McCain.

Now here’s some irony that’s going to turn your brain to shit:

One of the members of John McCain’s new Truth Squad — which his campaign says was launched to respond to unfair attacks on his record of military service –- was a member of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, and appeared in an attack ad for the group in 2004.

I guess it makes sense. After all, he would be the expert on what is or isn’t swift-boating.

Christmas has come early
June 30, 2008

And Santa Claus is a creepy, expressionless robot.

According to Mike Allen at The Politico, Mitt Romney, our dream veep candidate, is topping McCain’s veep short list. The only thing standing in Mitt’s way, apparently, is his being such a tool.

Actually, if he’s going to pull this off, toolishness might be the only thing he has going for him. That, and his chameleon-like ability to become any type of oily and unpleasant.

Jesus Christ, here we go again
June 30, 2008

Wesley Clark sure has some stones on him. There are certain things that are both obviously true and, for some reason, shockingly offensive to all Serious People, and he just hit on one of them when he had the audacity to suggest that serving in a war does not immediately make one qualified to be president.

It’s really amazing that this is the sort of thing that offends people these days. To say that someone who’s really good at a particular job is not necessarily qualified to move on to a job that requires a completely different skill set is obscene now? I have the highest respect for our men and women in uniform, but I doubt many of them would make great professional jugglers, either.

And the funny thing is, Republicans agree with me. How do I know this? Allow me to blow your mind, man:

As recently as the last presidential election, they decided to vote for the candidate with less military experience.

So, yeah. Ponder that one.

Oh, damn. I forgot – Kerry was secretly not in Vietnam the whole time. Or is a clone. Or something.

PUMA wants to dent your new bicycle
June 28, 2008

These letters from John Cain require a little backstory.

I know everyone’s been busy trying to drink it out of their memories, but the fact remains that not too long ago the Democrats got together and had themselves a primary – if I recall correctly, it was pretty ugly. And loooooong. And people started to go a bit nuts. Particularly after it became clear that Obama was going to be the nominee, you began hearing all sorts of nutty accusations. To a small coterie of hardcore Clinton supporters, one thing became clear: they needed to stop the party of Barack Obama at all costs. Even if it meant stopping the party of Hillary Clinton, and the candidate she endorsed and donated the maximum legal sum to. For some reason. But how? How, dammit?
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Bobby Jindal is fucking terrifying
June 27, 2008

Unless you’re in the Peace Corps right now, chances are the artist formerly known as Minipundit is having a far more productive summer than you. Coming to us live from a fancy internship at The American Prospect, Dylan reports that Governor Van Helsing, in addition to being a demon slayer, is also Bruce Willis at the very end of Sin City.

Which is to say, if you are a sex offender, HE WILL CLAIM YOUR TESTICLES.

Apparently we’re basing public policy off of bloody pop-culture revenge fantasies now. No word on what this means for the 2008 75 Bars Mandatory Sentencing Act when it gets out of committee.

Chicken Soup and ANWR Drilling for the Soul
June 24, 2008

So apparently John McCain’s energy policy is now based around the “pyschological impact” of those studies instead of, you know, tangible results. Which I guess explains his support of the gas tax holiday.

Here are a few other planks in his energy strategy:

-Free Prozac for everyone.
-Hugs!
-Once a week, he will give a special address to the nation in which he will remind us how very important and special we are.
-Federal law mandating that all small businesses provide stress balls for their employees.
-Secretary of Energy: Tony Robbins
-Widespread distribution of boogie boards to increase the fun and reduce the negative psychological impact of all the polar icecaps melting.
-Will promise to practice fake smile more, plans to have it upgraded from “horrifying ghoul-thing” to “electrocution victim” by 2012.

WTF, Richard Cohen?: Unnecessary French Edition
June 24, 2008

Welcome to another edition of the game that’s sweeping the nation. Let’s take a look at today’s Cohentastic excretion.

In politics, we’re having a Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr kind of year. It was Karr, a French writer, who coined the phrase plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose, which means, as Barack Obama has shown, that the more things change, the more they stay the same. N’est-ce pas?

Oui .

According to Babelfish, this translates to: “I’m that irritating acquaintance of yours who speaks in pseudo-French just to prove how smart he is even though it totally obscures the point he’s trying to get across.” Quoi? Je ne sais pas.

WTF, Richard Cohen?

Substantive critiques of Cohen’s amazing obtuseness aren’t really in the spirit of this segment, so I’ll let Corey take care of that.

The truth about Barack Obama
June 24, 2008

He ruined Karl Rove’s fancy little country club party.

God, what a dick.

The number one threat to our economy
June 23, 2008

TERRORIST VAMPIRES.

Yes, technically it is true that if a terrorist blew up America, that would be just awful for our economy. And if trees made everyone kill themselves, that would probably also be bad for the economy.

And if the monster from Cloverfield stomped all over Wall Street, obviously the stock market would be in pretty poor shape.

Should I keep going?

For real, Obama?
June 21, 2008

You know what’s really attractive in world leaders? Hubris.

Seriously, why stop with the seal? Deliver all of your speeches from a replica White House press room. Whenever Congress passes a bill, Xerox it and sign it where the President would. It’s just like playing house, except a thousand times more arrogant!

Man, I miss primary Obama. Between this, refusing to come out against the “compromise” bill, endorsing right-wing anti-fourth amendment Democrats and “endorsing” Hagee-ites, general election Obama is turning out to be really damn annoying.

Although it’s at least comforting to know that, as Daniel De Groot points out, having a nominee doesn’t turn the lefty blogosphere into a bunch of babbling sycophants.

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