PUMA wants to dent your new bicycle

These letters from John Cain require a little backstory.

I know everyone’s been busy trying to drink it out of their memories, but the fact remains that not too long ago the Democrats got together and had themselves a primary – if I recall correctly, it was pretty ugly. And loooooong. And people started to go a bit nuts. Particularly after it became clear that Obama was going to be the nominee, you began hearing all sorts of nutty accusations. To a small coterie of hardcore Clinton supporters, one thing became clear: they needed to stop the party of Barack Obama at all costs. Even if it meant stopping the party of Hillary Clinton, and the candidate she endorsed and donated the maximum legal sum to. For some reason. But how? How, dammit?

So they formed PUMA! What’s PUMA, you ask? I’ll give you hint. It’s one of these things:

  • A sneaker
  • A totally rad mountain bike
  • Some kind of all-terrain vehicle
  • Your middle school mascot
  • A MILF-centric pornography site
  • An incredibly stupid acronym that doesn’t actually mean anything

The answer? Probably all of the above, but in this case I was referring to the last one. PUMA stands for “People United Mean Action.” Here’s a fun game: Try to think of a single political organization that isn’t a united group of people who are in favor of some sort of action. Then try to think of why any grassroots political organization would seemingly go out of their way to conceal their platform in their name.

Well, maybe that’s unfair. After all, the group’s first choice for their name, The Uncomfortable Racial Overtones, was already taken by a garage band in Athens, Georgia.

Anyway, this is no time for bickering, of finger-pointing. This is a time for Unite, [New Hampshire]. Come back, PUMA-ites! We miss you! Sure, you’re batshit insane. And sure merely having you in the party is embarrassing to the rest of us. And okay, maybe Obama is going to win with or without your support, and if he wins without it we’ll get to see you run around in circles, frothing at the mouth with even less credibility and clout than you had before. But even so … still … uh …

Actually, I’ve got nothin’. You kids have fun!

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