Dear John McCain: Let me be your Sargent Shriver

It was Josh Marshall who whispered that secret hope that dear not speak its name: Eagleton? Now the suggestion that you might unceremoniously dump Palin in hopes of finding a better running mate has been spoken aloud – and I’m going to actively campaign to replace her. I think you’ll find that I’m a better choice on pretty much every criteria you used to pick her. Consider:

1. Tokenism.
Okay, so we all know that women will pretty much vote for anyone with two X chromosomes. Forget what actual numbers tell you, that’s science. But while Palin represents a half-hearted attempt to pander to a single demographic that has long eluded Republicans (the ladies), I could help make imaginary inroads into several! Would you rather have just women, or secular Jews, college students, and sarcastic, non-gun-owning, arugula-eating, New England liberal pussies? I think the answer is obvious.

2. Age/Total lack of a record.
Palin was also picked to add some youth to the ticket. But I’m less than half her age! In fact, I’m so young that I’m constitutionally ineligible to become president. Not only that, but unlike Palin, who has two whole years of poor decisions in statewide office holding her back, I’ve got absolutely no record to have to apologize for. Sure there’s this blog, but that can be scrubbed just as thoroughly as Palin’s Wikipedia page.

3. Tons of executive/foreign policy experience.
Using your weird metric for what constitutes “executive experience,” it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that as the editor of the Opinion section of a small online publication, I also have more executive experience than Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and, uh, John McCain, put together. And while Alaska may be close to Russia, I live in New York, where many people speak with noticeably foreign accents. Hell, Rudy Giuliani managed to get all of that foreign policy expertise just from hanging out here long enough, so I don’t see why I can’t too.

4. I can be your soulmate too.
Recently you described Palin as your soulmate. For a woman you’ve barely even met, that seems like kind of a stretch. And ask yourself this: Will Palin give you backrubs in between stump speeches when you seem stressed? Will Palin make that photo of you and her at Six Flags her desktop background? Will she send you little smiley-face text messages in the middle of the day just to cheer you up?

I will do all of the above and more. I’ll even burn you mix CDs with all your favorite ABBA songs. Love isn’t easy – but take a chance on me (that’s all I ask of you, honey).

5. I’m apparently less insane than your political strategists.
Seriously, there’s absolutely no way in which you going down to the areas affected by Hurricane Gustav and eating up needed resources is a good idea, politically or morally. For the love of all that is holy, please pass up the photo op and try to do things that are actually helpful instead.

Please, to all my friends and family: let your voices be heard. John McCain must bump Palin and put me on the ticket. The Republican Party can afford no less.

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