Since senior of high school, a friend of mine has been pressuring me to grow some muttonchops. I never really saw the appeal, and didn’t. But, as a favor to him, when I shaved my beard today I shaved them into the form of muttonchops first and took a picture – a picture which will never, under any circumstances, make it on to the Internet.
It got me thinking, though – I may not be the brave soul who’s going to bring the muttonchops back, but someone should. Hell, if you want to win the Nobel Prize in facial hair, I would recommend resurrecting and re-popularizing the legendary facial hair of American hero Ambrose Burnside, who united his muttonchops through a mustache much as he fought to unite an America torn asunder by civil war. Most people call that style “friendly muttonchops.” I call it patriotism.