Tucker Annihilation
February 23, 2012

A couple nights ago, Tucker Carlson told Fox News that “Iran deserves to be annihilated.” Nothing to see here; just some standard yuppie pundit chest-beating. But I found his pseudo-mea culpa absolutely fascinating:

It’s my fault that I got tongue tied and didn’t explain myself well last night. I’m actually on the opposite side on the Iran question from many people I otherwise agree with. I think attacking could be a disaster for the US and am worried that Obama will do it, for fear of seeming weak before an election. Of course the Iranian government is awful and deserves to be crushed. But I’m not persuaded we or Israel could do it in a way that doesn’t cause even greater problems. That’s the main lesson of Iraq it seems to me.

See, the problem with declaring war on Iran is that it would be a “disaster” … for the US. It might cause problems. That’s the main lesson of Iraq.

You could argue that this position is less monstrous than the one that tongue-tied Tucker seemed to profess on Fox News. After all, he’s saying that we shouldn’t take actions that would lead to the senseless slaughter of thousands of Iranians. But he’s doing so while also making clear that the lives of those thousands of Iranians are not the main issue. National interest, dammit!

If the “main lesson” of Iraq was really that one should refrain from committing inexpedient atrocities, then no one’s really learned anything. Just remember Tucker’s words the next time he castigates the Iranian government for how poorly they treat Iranians.

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Bipartisan compromise: Let’s just bomb everyone and call it a day
August 12, 2008

Help me out here, guys. I can’t decide which one of the following quotes is more wildly irresponsible. First up, we’ve got VP hopeful and and adult contemporary virtuoso Evan Bayh explaining why Iran is the most dangerous thing ever.

You just hope that we haven’t soured an entire generation on the necessity, from time to time, of using force because Iraq has been such a debacle. That would be tragic, because Iran is a grave threat. They’re everything we thought Iraq was but wasn’t. They are seeking nuclear weapons, they do support terrorists, they have threatened to destroy Israel, and they’ve threatened us, too.

Here’s what’s scary about that: Evan Bayh was co-chair for the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq, so is it unreasonable to suggest that if he supported invading Iraq and Iran = Iraq (but for real this time), then maybe, just maybe, that’s a place he’d like to invade as well?

If anything, this shows that Bayh for VP would be a shrewd choice. So far, Obama’s made a pretty strong coalition out of the sane and the slightly deranged, but where he’s weak is in support from the completely batshit crazy people. Picking a running mate who’s in favor of invading not just one but several countries for terrible reasons would be a good way to shore up support with that key demographic.

On the other hand, at least invading Iran would be a slightly less suicidal move than going to war with Russia. The one thing that stops John McCain from winning the crazy contest this time around is that he manages to restrain his tumescent bloodlust just short of actually advocating a military conflict.

Your lips say, “No,” but your eyes say, “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb Iran”
June 6, 2008

Oh, war. I wish I knew how to quit you.

See, if John McCain was your college roommate, then that commercial would be about how his ex-girlfriend is such a bitch and he hates her yet as soon as they bump into each other at some club and get a few drinks in them, you come home to find a sock on the door and end up spending the night in the student lounge on the first floor.

Which would only be a minor inconvenience, except in this case, your roommate’s ex-girlfriend is Enyo, the goddess of bloodlust and destruction. Not to be confused with Enya, who is even deadlier and more terrifying.

Let’s just hope that Enyo doesn’t find out about that other girl McCain’s started seeing on the side – warrantless wiretapping. Because if you put the two of them in the same room, then shit’s gonna go down.

Slips of the tongue
March 20, 2008

It’s pretty amazing that John McCain can get away with demonstrating his total ignorance on the biggest issue of his campaign by calling it a slip of the tongue. I mean, this isn’t something he had said just once and then corrected it. He’s been repeating it over and over again. If that’s a slip of the tongue, then we should be able to attribute basically every dumb remark of this campaign to a slip of the tongue.

I mean, Samantha Power only called Clinton a monster once. But McCain gets away with lumping Iran and Al Qaeda together into some kind of fictional League of Evil Mutants?

That Cracked.com article Peter and I wrote
March 5, 2008

It’s up. Tell all your friends, and I hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it.

In other news, last night sucked. I’ll have a more detailed round-up on why it sucked, the myriad ways in which it sucked, and what level of suck we can expect from future primaries later in the day.

Oh, and by the way
December 4, 2007

Even if it were somehow possible to negotiate and enforce a treaty with Iran that causes them to erase all documents pertaining to developing nuclear weapons, closes down the nuclear physics departments of all of their universities and magically wipes the memories of all of their nuclear physicists who already know how to make a nuclear weapon, as long as we continue to needlessly antagonize countries that significant business interests in Iran it might not matter anyway because they might give Iran the means to produce a weapon and render this entire hypothetical magic negotiation exercise moot.

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